Jokes/Humor!
(Nicht immer meine Meinung!)
Jokes vom 20.04.2000 eingestellt am 26.11.2000

Zurück zur Übersicht aller Jokes

Weiter zu Jokes vom 21.04.2000

Übersicht: Facelifting Eve & God Technical support

Facelifting:

• A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
  "About 35," was the reply.
  "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
  "I am actually 47," he answered.
  While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
  As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
  Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You're 47 years old."
  Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
  The old lady replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Eve & God:

• One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
  "What's the problem, Eve?"
  "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "
  Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
  "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
  "What's a man, Lord?"
  "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain, glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
  "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
  "Well ... you can have him on one condition."
  "What's that, Lord?"
  "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."

Technical support:

• A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, And his is working fine."
  
• Tech Support: "OK Fred, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
  Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
  Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Fred."
  Customer: "What do you mean?"
  Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Fred."
  Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
  
• Overheard in a computer shop:
  Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
  Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
  Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
  
• I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
  
• Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"
• Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
  Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
  Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
  Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
  Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click]
  
• Customer: "My computer crashed!"
  Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
  Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
  Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
  Tech Support: "Huh?"
  Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
  Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
  Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
  
• I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
  
  "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
  
• A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.
  
• An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
  Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
  Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
  Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
  Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
  Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
  Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
  Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
  Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A:drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
  
• This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" Message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
  Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
  
• Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
  
• My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied
  "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
  
• My sister works in a tech support for carpenter's software.
  Once she asked a customer to send her a copy of the disk so she could check the file. 2 Days later, the envelope arrived - containing two Xerox copies of the disk: Front and Back...

Übersicht: Facelifting Eve & God Technical support

Zurück zur Übersicht aller Jokes

Weiter zu Jokes vom 21.04.2000 eingestellt am 26.11.2000